Yesterday I lost my boys, and it wasn't the first time this week.

On Thursday, I lost my 2 year old for all of about 2 minutes…..you know when they aren't listening to instructions in the shopping mall, you do the usual 'turn my head for a second to pretend to walk away' parenting trick? Yep, epic fail. He had managed in that time to run a completely opposite direction towards a fruit shop. Awesome. I left my trolley and grabbed my 3 year old and did the quick visual scan up the isles of the small shop. Nope. My next thought was, remain calm and think of the most dangerous place he could go and check there first. Impressed with my 'remain calm and think rationally approach' I did a quick checklist. Experiencing the hundreds of medical and emergencies that happen in my workplace I had quickly learnt, physically respond now, emotionally react later. Which is both a blessing and a curse to someone like me.
Then, in my peripheral vision I notice the glass sliding doors of the mall. Shoot. I bolted and ran out the doors calling his name, in my quick surveillance of the situation there was a mother just outside the doors with a pram, I yelled at my 3yr old to 'stay with the lady' as I bolted out to the car park, past the men in business suits that all had one eyebrow raised with a 'look at that crazy lady screaming' look on their faces. Nothing. As the mummy panic started kicking in I only just saw out of the corner of my eye this little blonde head bobbing around next to the loading dock heading towards the bush…..Oh. My. God. How on earth did it take him that quick to get THERE. I was furious. I ran to him and he was saying 'cant find mummy'. Cute, but unable to blame myself I scolded him and made him upset. I was angry at the grown men and the mother that they had let a toddler just cruise on past them out to the car park. Gotta love mummy fail denial.
 I decided then that we were to make a rule. If you get lost, sit down. (Is that even a good rule?) Both my boys understood. I felt better.

Two days later, was yesterday evening.
My boys were riding their bikes home from their daycare Christmas concert with friends of ours in tow. My boys are quite quick on their bikes and a lot of the time I have to run to keep up. They are pretty good with the 'riding bike' rules. Don't ride so far that mummy can't see you and stop at the corners. Simple. They understand these rules and only once in a blue moon do they forget.
Tonight was a blue moon.
On our way we stopped to say goodbye to our friends who's house was on the way. They had a little alleyway that runs down the side of their house that I have only let my son once, go down. At the end is a hill with a huge storm water drain. beyond this drain and behind their house is a massive paddock, like roughly a km wide with units that back on to the other side 200m away.. Tall grass, swamp like, brown snakes….you get the idea.
So after our quick goodbye I scanned the footpath ahead of us for the boys, not ones for polite goodbyes they had rode off down the street. Chatting away to my good friend discussing 'stuff' I looked up and noticed the boys had not stopped at the corner. It didn't really bother me as I knew that around the corner was our street and they knew where home was. However I did pick up the pace as I was mad and contemplating the consequences for them for not stopping at the corner.
I turned the corner and the boys weren't there. I didn't panic, I just thought 'boy they are fast tonight' as there is about 20 houses before ours and that they were there already. Still chatting away I grabbed my mobile and tried to get on to the husband just to let him know that the boys will be coming down the driveway. No answer, I tried to call the home phone (yes I understand its 2013 and yes we have a home phone.) and Husband answers the phone; "Babe the boys are on the driveway can you let them in?" sounding confused, all I got was a "huh?' reply. Then my heart dropped and that statement quickly turned into a urgent question; "the boys are down the driveway yeah?'
"Um, no."
I instantly felt the blood drain from my body and I tried desperately to focus. All that went through my mind was that white van that went round the corner the boys were supposed to wait at. I have never sworn and yelled my boys names out as loud as I did in that moment. My husband heard me yelling through the phone and down the street. My girlfriend was bolting across the street calling out to them. The search and the panic was on.
They have been taken.
Our streets are wide and quiet, so they would answer or hear me if I yelled. Silence.
When I thought I was about to faint my girlfriend called out and suggested the paddock. I dropped my bag, kicked off my shoes and bolted. I was screaming their names over and over, so much that my throat is still sore writing this.
Neighbours came out and my friend who lives next to the paddock came running out. I have been already running for 300 meters, surely they can't have gone this far. I bolted down the alley, down the hill, I scanned the drain fighting back the tears. I was about to drop to my knees in exhaustion, all I could hear was an echo of my petrified voice echoing over the grass. And that's when I saw it. Thank goodness I dressed him in that fluro coloured shirt. As the sun was setting, across the paddock, 200 m away I saw a reflection of orange from the dusk, followed by an extremely faint "yes, mummy?' They were in the shrubs behind the units that back on to that paddock.
I ran as fast I have ever done before in my life to them, screaming, swearing. They were laughing at how much I was hyperventilating and crying. I had no energy left to be mad.

I thank god I dressed H in that shirt, B was dressed in black and I could not see him in that moment. If I had dressed them in any other colour…….
If we had left the party 15 Min's later it would be night…….
If my friend wasn't there with that idea….
If. If. If.

Mummy guilt swoops in.

The worst part about that whole ideal was facing my friends, and my husband. Ashamed and scared.
How did that happen? I wasn't looking, I wasn't doing my job, I wasn't paying attention. I didn't do this right, I didn't do that right.

Mummy blame swoops in.

Shaking and with tears blurring my vision, I walked embarrassed across the grass back to where my husband waited hand in hand with my sons. I was so humiliated that I let such a thing happen. I saw my husband and broke down in his arms. That was the second most horrific mummy moment I have had to date. (My worst one you can read about HERE)

I just want to say sorry to all the parents out there that I have subconsciously judged. There was a boy a few months ago that left his mothers side in a shop and had wondered off into the bush. 'The bush?' I wondered, how on earth did he get THERE. Wow. And to that mum I understand, I understand that probably to this day she herself still does not understand how it happened. Also most likely still blames herself.
Parents, this may or may not happen to you. I hope to god it never does, and if it does, or it has. Its OK. Your not a failure. For me it has shown me a love that I have for my boys that I and most mums question about the existence most days. Do I love them enough?
I think I know what my answer is now. Enough to know now that without them in my life, even for a second, I felt empty, lost, scared and all alone in that paddock.

xx