Yesterday I lost my boys, and it wasn't the first time this week.

On Thursday, I lost my 2 year old for all of about 2 minutes…..you know when they aren't listening to instructions in the shopping mall, you do the usual 'turn my head for a second to pretend to walk away' parenting trick? Yep, epic fail. He had managed in that time to run a completely opposite direction towards a fruit shop. Awesome. I left my trolley and grabbed my 3 year old and did the quick visual scan up the isles of the small shop. Nope. My next thought was, remain calm and think of the most dangerous place he could go and check there first. Impressed with my 'remain calm and think rationally approach' I did a quick checklist. Experiencing the hundreds of medical and emergencies that happen in my workplace I had quickly learnt, physically respond now, emotionally react later. Which is both a blessing and a curse to someone like me.
Then, in my peripheral vision I notice the glass sliding doors of the mall. Shoot. I bolted and ran out the doors calling his name, in my quick surveillance of the situation there was a mother just outside the doors with a pram, I yelled at my 3yr old to 'stay with the lady' as I bolted out to the car park, past the men in business suits that all had one eyebrow raised with a 'look at that crazy lady screaming' look on their faces. Nothing. As the mummy panic started kicking in I only just saw out of the corner of my eye this little blonde head bobbing around next to the loading dock heading towards the bush…..Oh. My. God. How on earth did it take him that quick to get THERE. I was furious. I ran to him and he was saying 'cant find mummy'. Cute, but unable to blame myself I scolded him and made him upset. I was angry at the grown men and the mother that they had let a toddler just cruise on past them out to the car park. Gotta love mummy fail denial.
 I decided then that we were to make a rule. If you get lost, sit down. (Is that even a good rule?) Both my boys understood. I felt better.

Two days later, was yesterday evening.
My boys were riding their bikes home from their daycare Christmas concert with friends of ours in tow. My boys are quite quick on their bikes and a lot of the time I have to run to keep up. They are pretty good with the 'riding bike' rules. Don't ride so far that mummy can't see you and stop at the corners. Simple. They understand these rules and only once in a blue moon do they forget.
Tonight was a blue moon.
On our way we stopped to say goodbye to our friends who's house was on the way. They had a little alleyway that runs down the side of their house that I have only let my son once, go down. At the end is a hill with a huge storm water drain. beyond this drain and behind their house is a massive paddock, like roughly a km wide with units that back on to the other side 200m away.. Tall grass, swamp like, brown snakes….you get the idea.
So after our quick goodbye I scanned the footpath ahead of us for the boys, not ones for polite goodbyes they had rode off down the street. Chatting away to my good friend discussing 'stuff' I looked up and noticed the boys had not stopped at the corner. It didn't really bother me as I knew that around the corner was our street and they knew where home was. However I did pick up the pace as I was mad and contemplating the consequences for them for not stopping at the corner.
I turned the corner and the boys weren't there. I didn't panic, I just thought 'boy they are fast tonight' as there is about 20 houses before ours and that they were there already. Still chatting away I grabbed my mobile and tried to get on to the husband just to let him know that the boys will be coming down the driveway. No answer, I tried to call the home phone (yes I understand its 2013 and yes we have a home phone.) and Husband answers the phone; "Babe the boys are on the driveway can you let them in?" sounding confused, all I got was a "huh?' reply. Then my heart dropped and that statement quickly turned into a urgent question; "the boys are down the driveway yeah?'
"Um, no."
I instantly felt the blood drain from my body and I tried desperately to focus. All that went through my mind was that white van that went round the corner the boys were supposed to wait at. I have never sworn and yelled my boys names out as loud as I did in that moment. My husband heard me yelling through the phone and down the street. My girlfriend was bolting across the street calling out to them. The search and the panic was on.
They have been taken.
Our streets are wide and quiet, so they would answer or hear me if I yelled. Silence.
When I thought I was about to faint my girlfriend called out and suggested the paddock. I dropped my bag, kicked off my shoes and bolted. I was screaming their names over and over, so much that my throat is still sore writing this.
Neighbours came out and my friend who lives next to the paddock came running out. I have been already running for 300 meters, surely they can't have gone this far. I bolted down the alley, down the hill, I scanned the drain fighting back the tears. I was about to drop to my knees in exhaustion, all I could hear was an echo of my petrified voice echoing over the grass. And that's when I saw it. Thank goodness I dressed him in that fluro coloured shirt. As the sun was setting, across the paddock, 200 m away I saw a reflection of orange from the dusk, followed by an extremely faint "yes, mummy?' They were in the shrubs behind the units that back on to that paddock.
I ran as fast I have ever done before in my life to them, screaming, swearing. They were laughing at how much I was hyperventilating and crying. I had no energy left to be mad.

I thank god I dressed H in that shirt, B was dressed in black and I could not see him in that moment. If I had dressed them in any other colour…….
If we had left the party 15 Min's later it would be night…….
If my friend wasn't there with that idea….
If. If. If.

Mummy guilt swoops in.

The worst part about that whole ideal was facing my friends, and my husband. Ashamed and scared.
How did that happen? I wasn't looking, I wasn't doing my job, I wasn't paying attention. I didn't do this right, I didn't do that right.

Mummy blame swoops in.

Shaking and with tears blurring my vision, I walked embarrassed across the grass back to where my husband waited hand in hand with my sons. I was so humiliated that I let such a thing happen. I saw my husband and broke down in his arms. That was the second most horrific mummy moment I have had to date. (My worst one you can read about HERE)

I just want to say sorry to all the parents out there that I have subconsciously judged. There was a boy a few months ago that left his mothers side in a shop and had wondered off into the bush. 'The bush?' I wondered, how on earth did he get THERE. Wow. And to that mum I understand, I understand that probably to this day she herself still does not understand how it happened. Also most likely still blames herself.
Parents, this may or may not happen to you. I hope to god it never does, and if it does, or it has. Its OK. Your not a failure. For me it has shown me a love that I have for my boys that I and most mums question about the existence most days. Do I love them enough?
I think I know what my answer is now. Enough to know now that without them in my life, even for a second, I felt empty, lost, scared and all alone in that paddock.

xx

Dearest Caroline.....

I want to tell you so much.....

Words escape me, an indescribable ache sets in and takes its place. My heart is shattered.

Then I see your smile, hear your laughter and remember.....Your soul was so so beautiful, that is what rolls around and around in my head and what is on everyones lips.
Beautiful is an understatement.
You consume a room with happiness just with that smile......your on everyones mind, and in everyones hearts.....and always will be.

I can see why people turn on God, who else is there to blame when such a magnificent, elegant human being gets taken away......one that made a difference by simply being present.

Why?......
Why you? Why not someone else, why is it always the ones that are just so....perfect.

I hang on to the knowledge that you were far too good for this world.
Heaven simply ran out of Angels, and to be honest, you were the perfect candidate here on earth, so I cant be angry at God. I would have chosen you too if it were me up there......

I believe you were in no pain, that you left gracefully, just how you used to enter a room.....I can see you smiling and at perfect peace.

Sleep comes.......





Then something wakes me, my heart stirs and Im wide awake......

Sleep has evaded me once more....

I have to close the window as the wind howling through the curtains is a perfect metaphor as to how the world is now without you in it. Dark and empty.

I am not at all surprised that a southerly came through here in the early hours of Saturday.....its like the earth knew it has lost something beautiful and it too was mourning.......

Its still grey and overcast.....The sun still hasn't come out, its not ready....Im not ready.
No amount of exfoliating in scorching hot showers or bright yellow nail polish is making anything brighter, or less painful.

But I continue to search through pictures begging my mind not to forget one memory, one drink with you, one conversation, not one.....ever.

I think of what you would do and do the same....smile. Although its through currents of tears, I know that thats what you would have wanted. But god it hurts....

You make me want to be a better person. And for that, I am grateful.

I miss you friend.

Was the very beginning the start?

Ok so since my last post, well, I SAID i was going to give an account of possibly what may have, could have, did go down to lead me to where I am at with this PND.
Apologies.
Not so good with this blogging business, i tend to blog more in my head than online.....my bad.
But Im here....and Ive already been to my phsycologist. Twice.
Yay me. More on that later :)

Pregnant. 
Wow ok.
Well we started trying, what, 5 weeks ago? I guess it only takes 'one time'. I was somewhat banking on the horror stories of possibly a year or so of trying......but there I was. Calling my Fiance back from the pub to deliver the 'news'.
After seeing his face, then his whole world, light up, I knew it was going to be great and very much a good thing! 
Pregnancy was good, no major hiccups. The other pregnant hosties at work were busy talking about their little 'hims' and 'hers' inside them. 
I had an 'It'.
We wanted a surprise.....and a surprise we got.
Harley James was born on Easter Sunday 2010. Blue. Lifeless.
There were doctors and nurses everywhere, counting, all they did was count....
'Four....Six.....nine....'
I have never prayed to God so hard and fast in my life. 
'....eleven....twelve....'
I look at my Husband, why are they counting? Is it a boy or a girl?
'Boy' The nurse says nervously over her shoulder.
'....Thirteen.....Fourteen...Ok common team fourteen minutes and still not breathing...'
The room froze. Then spun. 
If Nathans face wasnt already white enough he now looks like hes about to faint.....just when I think my chest is too tight to breath he cried.....My little miracle cried.


The next few hours was fuzzy. Visitors, cuddles, attempting to feed. He was in the special care nursery so the midwives could keep an eye on him. Every few hours they would come get me to feed. He wasnt feeding to well. Just blinking.
Alot.
Next thing I know Im walking in to see him to try and feed again at 4am and the nurse tells me that the blinking is actually my baby having seizures.
The lack of oxygen to his brain was causing the seizures and if he wasnt transferred to the childrens hospital asap long term damage could be on the cards....if it wasnt already.


Harley was in the Neonatal Intensive Care unit for 10 days. Seizuring. 
Every drug thought possible was getting pumped into him. 

All I wanted to do was hold my 'It'.
I didnt know him. All I knew I needed to do was fight for him.
Its the weirdest feeling.....
I never got that "I took one look at him and I fell madly in love with my baby and he became my whole world and now i am complete" feeling people speak of. And I REALLY wish mums would stop saying it, because its OK and completely NORMAL not to feel that way. Its like someone handing you a foreign object and expecting you to fall madly and deeply in love with it and you dont even know what it is, what its like and what on earth to do with it.
I truly believe if this expectation was removed from mums-to-be minds, alot of future problems would be prevented.
Anyhow.
So here I am fighting for this baby who is my son. 
A lot of tests and MRI's later the doctor tells us he has an 85% chance of having cerebral Palsy. And that 25% of the left hand side of his brain has brain damage.
Now, for anyone who has ever wondered what its like sitting in that room on a show like RPA and getting news like that, its just like the TV. Except you think your watching it.
Because its not happening to you. Or your baby, so thank you doctor for your opinion, im going to walk out of your office with my head held high knowing you must be wrong and im not walking out of this hospital with anything less than a perfectly healthy baby, thank you.
So I decide to break down in the hall instead.
Nathan picks me up, and the pieces (as always) and holds my hand as we go to tell the awaiting family.
I took one look at my sister and ran.
I ran into the parking lot, past the stream of cars waiting, and into some nearby bush and yelled my freaking guts out. I cried as loud and as long as I could.
Until I had nothing left.
But faith.


We got to take Harley home, no seizures, no meds, no symptoms of CP but had to keep a watchful eye that he didnt seizure again and that we would only know, if the brain damage was going to effect him in any way, was if he didnt reach his milstones eg Smiling, sitting up ect in a reasonable time.
I have never cried so much when he smiled.....then rolled. No mother ever takes these for granted but I can say that appreciation for these events was an understatement.


Harley was a hard child. Didnt sleep, couldnt feed, Had Silent reflux, Colic, Eczema, you name it, he had it. He hated being left alone, wasnt interested in toys and had to be amused by me personally all hours of the day and was just one huge handful. Full on 24/7. 
The lack of sleep was getting to me, as it does to all mums, but nothing i couldnt take in my stride. I was doing remarkably well considering 'what id (apparently) been through' so everyone said.


Thats when the odd stuff started happening.
Not every day, not even every week. But my patience was paper thin....I could snap at any second.
Not at my husband. No not even when anyone was at home, when I least expected it.
Now, im not a violent person. I would NEVER hurt anyone and definately not my son. But when I did occasionally 'snap' I didnt see it coming. Thats the scary part.
Id be patting him off to sleep in his cot and he'd start up winging again. In a tenth of a second I punched the mattress of the cot and swore at him. It suprised me that much I didnt even know that it was me. As soon as I did it Id feel an ENORMOUS amount of guilt and confusion.
Id promised him and myself that would never happen again.
Then I started punching walls in these 'mind snap' moments. One time it wasnt even at my son. I simply couldnt get the washing bag open so I started stabbing it with a pair of scissors....what the? How did the scissors even get in my hands?
The biggest snap was when Harley screamed for an hour in the car on the way home from a friends place. I had to wind the windows down and sing as loud as i could to get the thought of leaving him on the side of the road out of my head. I still remember that day so vividly. The thought of leaving him there made me feel so much better.
These were literally only a handfull of times over the course of 7 months. Not too dangerous. But enough to know it was completely out of charactor and not ok.
But it stopped. 
Life became normal and in a routine. Easy even.
Time to think about baby number 2......

Remembering what its like to fly.

Was driving along the highway this evening, windows down, old school music blaring, not a care in the world....how it used to be.
I felt so free.....and ALIVE.
I was loving life at that very moment. Something that now days, feels like a far off distant memory, most days.
It was good to be me again.

If only I could be me with my kids.
I feel so trapped and surrounded by anxiety. 
So much Noise.


Moments captured in time, watching the kids grow, explore, laugh.
Moments that people dream about are unfolding in front of my eyes within my beautiful family. But my head drums into me...."I hate my life, my kids are hard work, painful even. They scream, wow they dont stop screaming....remember the good old days, wouldnt you prefer to be back there than here?"
I dont keep a thing from my husband. I tell him what my head says, the pain in his eyes is hard to look at. He doesnt see it like that and he is desperate for me to see how incredible life really is with them.
He hugs me.
Everything is going to be ok.


Now that psychologist appointment I was going to, well, they cancelled on me, the morning of. A possible turning point my husband and I were ready to conquer. Not happening.
Lucky I kept the January one.
Between now and then, I am going to start Blogging how this all came about, well, my personal account of events that may lead to a possible explanation of how this supposed PND came about.
Its going to be raw.
And brutily honest.

Its 1250am.
Its raining outside and I have my 11 week old son huddled on my chest like a Koala.
Our home is silent.
A rare occurance in this house and whats even rarer?
Its finally silent in my head.
The humming if a 3 day old headache is slowely fading...
Regardless of how tired I may be tomorrow I feel I need to sit here in the moment. Who knows where my head will be at tomorrow. I hope I dont have to call my husband back home from work...again.
I just want to be able to trust myself with my boys.

The silence fades...
And is replaced by tears.

The humming is coming back....

Part of me cant wait to see this psychologist for the first time next week.
The other part is so scared...