Dearest Caroline.....

I want to tell you so much.....

Words escape me, an indescribable ache sets in and takes its place. My heart is shattered.

Then I see your smile, hear your laughter and remember.....Your soul was so so beautiful, that is what rolls around and around in my head and what is on everyones lips.
Beautiful is an understatement.
You consume a room with happiness just with that smile......your on everyones mind, and in everyones hearts.....and always will be.

I can see why people turn on God, who else is there to blame when such a magnificent, elegant human being gets taken away......one that made a difference by simply being present.

Why?......
Why you? Why not someone else, why is it always the ones that are just so....perfect.

I hang on to the knowledge that you were far too good for this world.
Heaven simply ran out of Angels, and to be honest, you were the perfect candidate here on earth, so I cant be angry at God. I would have chosen you too if it were me up there......

I believe you were in no pain, that you left gracefully, just how you used to enter a room.....I can see you smiling and at perfect peace.

Sleep comes.......





Then something wakes me, my heart stirs and Im wide awake......

Sleep has evaded me once more....

I have to close the window as the wind howling through the curtains is a perfect metaphor as to how the world is now without you in it. Dark and empty.

I am not at all surprised that a southerly came through here in the early hours of Saturday.....its like the earth knew it has lost something beautiful and it too was mourning.......

Its still grey and overcast.....The sun still hasn't come out, its not ready....Im not ready.
No amount of exfoliating in scorching hot showers or bright yellow nail polish is making anything brighter, or less painful.

But I continue to search through pictures begging my mind not to forget one memory, one drink with you, one conversation, not one.....ever.

I think of what you would do and do the same....smile. Although its through currents of tears, I know that thats what you would have wanted. But god it hurts....

You make me want to be a better person. And for that, I am grateful.

I miss you friend.

Was the very beginning the start?

Ok so since my last post, well, I SAID i was going to give an account of possibly what may have, could have, did go down to lead me to where I am at with this PND.
Apologies.
Not so good with this blogging business, i tend to blog more in my head than online.....my bad.
But Im here....and Ive already been to my phsycologist. Twice.
Yay me. More on that later :)

Pregnant. 
Wow ok.
Well we started trying, what, 5 weeks ago? I guess it only takes 'one time'. I was somewhat banking on the horror stories of possibly a year or so of trying......but there I was. Calling my Fiance back from the pub to deliver the 'news'.
After seeing his face, then his whole world, light up, I knew it was going to be great and very much a good thing! 
Pregnancy was good, no major hiccups. The other pregnant hosties at work were busy talking about their little 'hims' and 'hers' inside them. 
I had an 'It'.
We wanted a surprise.....and a surprise we got.
Harley James was born on Easter Sunday 2010. Blue. Lifeless.
There were doctors and nurses everywhere, counting, all they did was count....
'Four....Six.....nine....'
I have never prayed to God so hard and fast in my life. 
'....eleven....twelve....'
I look at my Husband, why are they counting? Is it a boy or a girl?
'Boy' The nurse says nervously over her shoulder.
'....Thirteen.....Fourteen...Ok common team fourteen minutes and still not breathing...'
The room froze. Then spun. 
If Nathans face wasnt already white enough he now looks like hes about to faint.....just when I think my chest is too tight to breath he cried.....My little miracle cried.


The next few hours was fuzzy. Visitors, cuddles, attempting to feed. He was in the special care nursery so the midwives could keep an eye on him. Every few hours they would come get me to feed. He wasnt feeding to well. Just blinking.
Alot.
Next thing I know Im walking in to see him to try and feed again at 4am and the nurse tells me that the blinking is actually my baby having seizures.
The lack of oxygen to his brain was causing the seizures and if he wasnt transferred to the childrens hospital asap long term damage could be on the cards....if it wasnt already.


Harley was in the Neonatal Intensive Care unit for 10 days. Seizuring. 
Every drug thought possible was getting pumped into him. 

All I wanted to do was hold my 'It'.
I didnt know him. All I knew I needed to do was fight for him.
Its the weirdest feeling.....
I never got that "I took one look at him and I fell madly in love with my baby and he became my whole world and now i am complete" feeling people speak of. And I REALLY wish mums would stop saying it, because its OK and completely NORMAL not to feel that way. Its like someone handing you a foreign object and expecting you to fall madly and deeply in love with it and you dont even know what it is, what its like and what on earth to do with it.
I truly believe if this expectation was removed from mums-to-be minds, alot of future problems would be prevented.
Anyhow.
So here I am fighting for this baby who is my son. 
A lot of tests and MRI's later the doctor tells us he has an 85% chance of having cerebral Palsy. And that 25% of the left hand side of his brain has brain damage.
Now, for anyone who has ever wondered what its like sitting in that room on a show like RPA and getting news like that, its just like the TV. Except you think your watching it.
Because its not happening to you. Or your baby, so thank you doctor for your opinion, im going to walk out of your office with my head held high knowing you must be wrong and im not walking out of this hospital with anything less than a perfectly healthy baby, thank you.
So I decide to break down in the hall instead.
Nathan picks me up, and the pieces (as always) and holds my hand as we go to tell the awaiting family.
I took one look at my sister and ran.
I ran into the parking lot, past the stream of cars waiting, and into some nearby bush and yelled my freaking guts out. I cried as loud and as long as I could.
Until I had nothing left.
But faith.


We got to take Harley home, no seizures, no meds, no symptoms of CP but had to keep a watchful eye that he didnt seizure again and that we would only know, if the brain damage was going to effect him in any way, was if he didnt reach his milstones eg Smiling, sitting up ect in a reasonable time.
I have never cried so much when he smiled.....then rolled. No mother ever takes these for granted but I can say that appreciation for these events was an understatement.


Harley was a hard child. Didnt sleep, couldnt feed, Had Silent reflux, Colic, Eczema, you name it, he had it. He hated being left alone, wasnt interested in toys and had to be amused by me personally all hours of the day and was just one huge handful. Full on 24/7. 
The lack of sleep was getting to me, as it does to all mums, but nothing i couldnt take in my stride. I was doing remarkably well considering 'what id (apparently) been through' so everyone said.


Thats when the odd stuff started happening.
Not every day, not even every week. But my patience was paper thin....I could snap at any second.
Not at my husband. No not even when anyone was at home, when I least expected it.
Now, im not a violent person. I would NEVER hurt anyone and definately not my son. But when I did occasionally 'snap' I didnt see it coming. Thats the scary part.
Id be patting him off to sleep in his cot and he'd start up winging again. In a tenth of a second I punched the mattress of the cot and swore at him. It suprised me that much I didnt even know that it was me. As soon as I did it Id feel an ENORMOUS amount of guilt and confusion.
Id promised him and myself that would never happen again.
Then I started punching walls in these 'mind snap' moments. One time it wasnt even at my son. I simply couldnt get the washing bag open so I started stabbing it with a pair of scissors....what the? How did the scissors even get in my hands?
The biggest snap was when Harley screamed for an hour in the car on the way home from a friends place. I had to wind the windows down and sing as loud as i could to get the thought of leaving him on the side of the road out of my head. I still remember that day so vividly. The thought of leaving him there made me feel so much better.
These were literally only a handfull of times over the course of 7 months. Not too dangerous. But enough to know it was completely out of charactor and not ok.
But it stopped. 
Life became normal and in a routine. Easy even.
Time to think about baby number 2......