Remembering what its like to fly.

Was driving along the highway this evening, windows down, old school music blaring, not a care in the world....how it used to be.
I felt so free.....and ALIVE.
I was loving life at that very moment. Something that now days, feels like a far off distant memory, most days.
It was good to be me again.

If only I could be me with my kids.
I feel so trapped and surrounded by anxiety. 
So much Noise.


Moments captured in time, watching the kids grow, explore, laugh.
Moments that people dream about are unfolding in front of my eyes within my beautiful family. But my head drums into me...."I hate my life, my kids are hard work, painful even. They scream, wow they dont stop screaming....remember the good old days, wouldnt you prefer to be back there than here?"
I dont keep a thing from my husband. I tell him what my head says, the pain in his eyes is hard to look at. He doesnt see it like that and he is desperate for me to see how incredible life really is with them.
He hugs me.
Everything is going to be ok.


Now that psychologist appointment I was going to, well, they cancelled on me, the morning of. A possible turning point my husband and I were ready to conquer. Not happening.
Lucky I kept the January one.
Between now and then, I am going to start Blogging how this all came about, well, my personal account of events that may lead to a possible explanation of how this supposed PND came about.
Its going to be raw.
And brutily honest.